work from home day

Dude, fuck. I feel so disengaged at work, and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m disillusioned or because I’m just a lazy fuck. Probably both, to be honest.

Coming out of college, I was so ready to take on the world like it was my oyster. I could have tackled any job that came my way!

I decided to join this start-up for opportunity to wear multiple hats and discover the career path I wanted. After a few months, I set my eyes on the Campaign Manager role. And while I’ve had my share of set-backs and disappointments (like management sticking me in customer support, deviating from the 6-month promotion plan, having me read a book in my spare time, and not promoting from within), I patiently worked my ass off until I finally was on the right track.

That is, until my year review last week…They’ve been hinting and promising a raise since literally forever, and then they denied me one! And on top of that, I gave up my commission, I am working for less than I signed for. I guess that’s my fault for being naive and trusting…

So I know that what I’m doing definitely isn’t what I want to do long-term. Nevertheless, before this shit went down, I was actually enjoying my day-to-day and had a lot of fun working with the team we’ve built.

Now, I can’t help but question my role. Everything I did today felt so overwhelmingly pointless, like I’m running around in circles in the dark, grasping at nothing. I’m not motivated, because why pour my time and effort into a company that doesn’t respect me enough or value me enough to fairly compensate me?

I feel so lost and conflicted. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m looking for new jobs, but honestly, I don’t want to leave my co-workers just yet. (Do people even stay friends with their coworkers?!) Plus I took off like 20 PTO days, and I fully plan on sticking around and being paid for those vacations first.



I have a good number of close friends, but as I binge watch my favorite classics like Friends, How I Met Your Mother, and Sex and the City, I find myself feeling quite lonesome. I think it’s because I don’t have a clique – just a couple of loose groups and individuals scattered around the Bay.

I can’t think of the like 4-6 friends that will without a doubt be my bridesmaids, and it won’t be awkward because they will already be best friends with each other. I don’t have that close-knit family that literally does EVERYTHING together – whether that be partying, eating, exercising, watching movies, traveling, gossiping at cafes…you know, anything and everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely thankful for all my friendships from all stages of life. They’ve been there for me when I needed them, and obviously I will be there for them too.

But there’s no clique that I can call my own, and I don’t really know what to do about it.


Tonight, I attended my very first broadway musical, and I’m so grateful for having it be Hamilton! It was breathtaking – the story, the songs, the talent, everything!

It’s late and I’m exhausted, more tomorrow! It was absolutely AMAZING though. Thank you A for getting a hold of these rare tickets for me. I was so hesitant to spend $200 on one night, but it was SO worth it. I now understand why it’s going for $600 – definitely lived up to the hype!

small world

Today I’m at Saint Francisco cafe finally taking a crack at reading my beautiful The Beautiful and Damned book while S studies for her finals. I caught up with her over a belated bday brunch at SuriSan – the bacon in the eggs benedict was absolutely delicious!

I distracting myself on my phone when I saw a snap that confirmed my suspicions that one of my best friend from junior high and some guy I was seeing in college are now together! kafjdklfsdjf;sdjl it’s so strange, I don’t know what to think of it.

I told S my theory and she thinks I’m right. Then, I took it to my boyfriend and he’s literally just like …..why do you care?! (YES WITH ALL FIVE …..’s!!)

Like I didn’t care when the guy started dating some other girl when we were in college, but now that he’s dating someone I used to be super close with…it’s just weird. To clarify, I have no qualms against them being together though. In fact, I actually think they’d be good for each other.

What a small world. Reminds me of when I was apt hunting in sf and toured my friend’s ex’s place without knowing so.



There’s always something about listening to music late at night that’s just so calming and satisfying. Like back when I was in school, listening to Train or Coldplay Radio at 2am while cramming for that Econ midterm somehow never fails to provide some sort of peace and solace amid all that chaos…until I realize how screwed I actually am.

Tonight, I’m listening to Mako and drinking some hot tea, and I could not be more content with life. It’s kind of weird after C, B, and A left, I was feeling bored and lonely.

My housemate asked if I wanted to go out with her, which made me happy to be included, but I told her I was feeling really lazy. I wasn’t sure if I regretted it, but now I don’t. I love the simple times and just enjoying life. So often, I become consumed by thoughts and try to distract myself by drowning in entertainment and social activities. But I’m happy right now.

Side note: I’m also still debating between writing in a journal or blogging – I don’t like my thoughts in public. But at the same time, I’d be lying to myself if I say I’d actually write in a diary. This is just so much faster and convenient, plus the fact that I need to publish it encourages me to finish typing out my thoughts, you know?

family time

I was so angry at my boyfriend, I was shaking. Recently his branch shut down so he has to commute an extra half hour (or more with traffic) to work each day. This means he can’t come home during his lunch hour to walk the dog.

Which sucks, but is fine. He could ask his housemates to do it. The thing that made me livid is that he wanted to train after work. THAT MEANS THE DOG WILL BE NEGLECTED FROM 7:30AM-9:30PM!!! fldksljfk;djfs; I still can’t believe how incredibly selfish he’s being!!

And then I asked him what happens if we have a family?! Does he expect to just leave me with the child to go train? Does he expect to skip family dinners to do jiu jitsu? I literally could not believe what I was hearing. He said if we had a baby that he would only skip dinner to train twice a week. ONLY?!? That’s two times too many! And what if I wanted some time to myself. Does that mean I get two days a week as well? Well we might as well be divorced parents to the poor kid.

What happened to good old quality time with the whole family at the table for dinner? I’ve always promised myself to never put work over family, but what about hobbies? Self-care and me-time are very necessary, but are hobbies more important than the relationships in our lives?

oil cleanser

I tried an oil cleanser a couple weeks ago, and literally,  was the worst decision I’ve made in my entire life. I STILL have breakouts from it. And of course I picked at them and caused scars. And the spots that healed on it’s own also scarred.

Not only that, I went to a facialist IMMEDIATELY after I got like 15 zits on my cheek, and she did a Silk Peel, extractions, and LED treatment. I mean, it helped a bit, but honestly these spots are still there!

I bought an extractor tool and a Konjac sponge from Daiso in attempts speed along the process. Of course, I went completely ham on my face with the extractor…why did I even think it was possible for me to “gently” extract those spots. I do enjoy the sponge though! I’ve been using it every night to gently clean and exfoliate my entire face.

I’m at lost with what to do now. The saddest part is, it’s all I obsess over. I would put pictures, but it’s already taking a lot of me to post my life struggles for the world to see. Maybe one day.